Why are narcissists so angry?

Are Narcissists Evil? Or can they just not do otherwise?

Do Narcissists Know They Hurt Us? Do they know that they are seasoned liars and manipulators? Or is it just because of a psychological disorder? Do you have a good heart deep inside you? Can you change if you really wanted to?

The answer to these questions is not easy to find. The first thing you need to know is that we are all unique and we behave very complicatedly.

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Most people who have been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse have wondered how much blame they should blame the narcissist. I am often asked:

Are people with Narcissistic Personality Disorders just evil people who choose to hurt others but could control themselves if they tried?

Or are they good people who give the best they can but have no control over themselves?

Unfortunately, there is no simple answer to this question. People are complex. I don't think we can simply label people with narcissistic adaptations as good or bad.

Nor can we always draw a clear line between what we can control and what controls us.

Even people without personality disorders are constantly struggling to put their ego and personal desires aside and do what they think is right. Human nature has not changed for millennia.

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So how does this apply to people with narcissistic personality disorders?

When I think of the variety of people who qualify for an NPS diagnosis, I see a whole range of people - from those who want to be good people to those who don't care who they hurt. Most narcissistic people fall somewhere in between, like the rest of us.

Note: I use the terms "narcissistic" or "narcissistic" as a shorthand to refer to people who exhibit the patterns of thought and behavior that are commonly diagnosed as narcissistic personality disorder.

Personally, I prefer the term "narcissistic adjustment" because it emphasizes that this pattern was initially a creative adjustment aimed at maximizing the amount of love, attention, and support the child would receive from their caregivers.

So why do people with narcissistic adaptations tend to do more harm in intimate relationships than most non-narcissists?

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The "good narcissist"

Some NPS people try to be good people but are hindered by their narcissistic adjustment. Her extreme egocentricity, her lack of emotional empathy and her lack of “whole object relationships” and “object constancy” distort her view of interpersonal situations.

Some brief definitions of the above terms should be helpful to the reader:

Whole object relationships:

This is the ability to see yourself and other people in a realistic, stable, and integrated way that realizes that every person has both good and bad qualities and traits that one likes and dislikes.

Without whole-object relationships, narcissists cannot form a stable, integrated picture of anyone. They tend to put everyone in two basic boxes: either they are special, perfect, unique and entitled to special treatment (high status), or they are worthless, pathetic, rubbish and only entitled to what is "special." People “give them (low status).

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The Consequences of a Relationship with a Narcissist
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Object constancy:

This is the ability to maintain your positive emotional connection with someone when you are feeling hurt, angry, frustrated, or disappointed in them.

It is also the ability to maintain that sense of connection with someone who is not physically there.

Without object constancy, narcissists can literally say "I love you" for a moment, then switch to "I hate you" 10 minutes later because they didn't like something you just said or did.

Emotional empathy:

This is the ability to feel another person's joy or pain. Narcissists lack emotional empathy, so they have less feedback on each other's reactions and have less reason to worry.

You have "intellectual compassion," the ability to think about what the other person is likely to be feeling. However, they are very unlikely to do so in the middle of combat as they have no object constancy.

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Most of the pain narcissists cause is the result of two fundamental issues:

1. The need to take retaliation to protect their self-esteem.

Guilt and Retribution:

With any type of disagreement, or even in a fairly neutral situation, once narcissists feel bad about themselves, they are likely to see whoever they are with as being responsible for their discomfort.

You can quickly move from pointing the blame on the other person to furious retaliation.


They feel justified because, without full object relationships or object constancy, they now see the other person as the evil enemy.

Additionally, they have temporarily lost touch with a positive history between them and the other person.

Fragile self-esteem:

Their fragile self-esteem makes it extremely painful for them to become aware of their role in an argument.

They don't even try to see how they could be guilty because that would break their narcissistic defenses and leave them feeling imperfect and deeply ashamed.

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Difficulties in apologizing:

After calming down, you can realize that you have overreacted and regret it. Unfortunately, their underlying shaky self-esteem makes it very unlikely that they will admit they were wrong and apologize.

Instead, they'll likely make a reparative gesture, such as B. give the person a gift.

However, if the other person wants to talk about what happened, it is likely that a narcissist will become very defensive and feel attacked. Then the cycle of guilt and retribution and reparation can begin again.

2. Egocentricity and a lack of emotional empathy

Narcissists often inadvertently do things that harm other people because they are so self-centered and lacking emotional compassion.

For example, they can make fun of you in front of other people and just think you're funny. Or you can tell them you have a stomach virus and instead of sympathizing with them, they tell you that they had one much worse than yours.

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How do we judge them?

Are we giving them a free ticket to hurt other people for having Narcissistic Personality Disorder? I would not do that. At least the people with NPS with the best of intentions:

- Know that they are selfish.

- Know that other people will be hurt by them.

- Know that there is psychotherapy and most choose not to seek help in order to get better.

- They have been told that what they are doing is harmful and they keep doing it anyway.

But: This subset of narcissists is not intended to intentionally harm other people.

The "Evil Narcissists"

These people focus on getting what they want and are not trying to be "good people." They really don't care who is hurt by their actions.

Some even enjoy causing pain to other people and will do everything in their power to make other people feel sad, inadequate, and inferior.

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8 behaviors psychopaths use to reveal their true identity
10 signs he's being manipulative and you need to tick him off
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Different theorists call this type of narcissist by different names: “malicious”, “toxic” or “devaluing”.

It's easy to judge them bad because they don't express regrets or make reparative gestures. You intentionally hurt people to feel superior.

Conclusion: People with narcissistic adaptations differ in how much they want to be good people. Those who want to be good try harder to follow a moral code.

But even when they try the hardest, their basic narcissistic problems - self-centeredness, unstable self-esteem, lack of emotional empathy, and lack of whole object relationships and object constancy - will cause them to hurt those around them.

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