How bad is narcissistic abuse
Zugerin on narcissists and femicides "Toxic relationships can end in death"
Can love kill To put it more clearly: Can you kill for love?
Yes, says Chris Oeuvray. The Zug native is a life coach and mental trainer. For the most part, she deals with narcissistic dynamics in her work. This year she also published a thriller: “Deadly in love” (Zentralplus reported).
«Toxic relationships can end in death. You just have to be aware of that, ”says the 53-year-old. On this Friday evening, she will give a lecture in Zug together with a police officer from Zug on the subject of narcissism and femicides (see box).
What could happen in your own four walls
A narcissist looks for a suitable counterpart in a relationship - Chris Oeuvray calls them co-narcissists. There is a strong dependency between these. After a narcissist initially ensnared his counterpart, carried it in his hands, he later systematically wore it down and destabilized it, according to Oeuvray. In the same way, women can also take on the role of narcissist.
She suspects that narcissism also plays a role when it comes to violence within one's own four walls. "When it comes to domestic violence and femicides, there is usually a narcissist behind it, or someone who is at least strongly narcissistic."
Men are afraid of losing influence
The Zug police do not confirm Oeuvray's assessment. “As a law enforcement agency, it is our job to collect facts. It is not up to the police to evaluate the character traits of those affected, ”they said when asked.
When asked whether there is a typical perpetrator profile, media spokesman Frank Kleiner writes that victims and perpetrators of domestic violence often have a migration background. “Men from cultures with a patriarchal family model often have problems with the Western ways of life that their wives are increasingly adopting. In many cases the men are afraid of losing their influence in the family. "
The Zug police are confronted with domestic violence every day. Last year she had to move out a total of 404 times. Since April 1, the Domestic Violence Unit has had more staff. Now three employees with a total of 200 percent of the workforce are responsible for the area.
The Zug police have been confronted with domestic violence so often in the past five years:
It can be dangerous, especially after a breakup
How does Oeuvray come to your assessment? Many of her clients are affected, she says. Some of them were or are endangered, would be stalked and threatened. “The problem is that they have invested so much in the partnership and don't want to admit that it didn't work. For them it is a personal failure. "
Many would gloss over a toxic relationship even if they had been lied to, cheated, exploited, suppressed or even beaten up. By doing this, they would make the narcissist feel like they were behaving correctly. «That gives him wings and his demands are limitless. He controls their thinking, their actions, their life ... until death. He thinks he has the right to do so. "
On this Friday evening, an event on the subject of narcissism, domestic violence and femicide would have taken place in the Neustadt retirement center in Zug. Due to Corona, the event has now been postponed to January 2021 at short notice. The exact date will follow. You can find more information here.
It can be dangerous for co-narcissists, especially after separations. Because the narcissist has the feeling that the other person belongs to him and cannot deal with the loss of control. Often, narcissistic partners would then contact the woman again and want to meet her to clarify everything. They would give her hope, play the penitent. It is precisely then that caution is required, warns Oeuvray.
Co-narcissists are happy to come to a peaceful conclusion after all. Harmony is important to them. The partner knows that. "The woman believes and hopes for a peaceful ending and does not know what threatening situation she is in."
Oeuvray is convinced that this is exactly when most femicides would happen. "You often read '... she had separated from her partner shortly before'."
She advises breaking off contact completely. If you do want to meet, then only in a public place, in a café, a restaurant in the city. It's best to take a friend with you or organize someone to pick you up from the café after the meeting.
Rejected and vengeful
But when does a narcissist become violent? “If violence was involved beforehand, there is a high probability that the violence will increase. If there was no physical violence in the past, this can change after the breakup. That is unpredictable, there is no evidence of it, ”says Oeuvray. Most narcissistic disorders would manifest themselves in psychological abuse, which couldn't be less traumatic and just as dangerous.
The person who physically attacks another, hurts him or even kills him, no longer feels himself at this moment; he was beside himself. “A person with narcissistic tendencies can kill the other out of revenge. Out of the hurt that he was rejected himself, the desire arises to harm the other as much as possible. The narcissist accepts his own misfortune. " There is talk of the so-called Medea syndrome.
This explanation does not excuse his behavior, so Oeuvray. "He is the culprit."
Many of those affected contact Oeuvray
Oeuvray wanted to trigger a kind of #MeToo effect with her thriller. In fact, many people approached and wrote to her about it. “I am amazed and happy at the amount of feedback I have received from those affected,” she says. “Many said they were alone. But they are not. "
Narcissists have received a lot of recognition over the past centuries, with many being successful through their rigorous behavior. Oeuvray does not want to fight narcissists, but (re) builds and strengthens co-narcissists so that they support each other. If they shared their experiences, strengthened their backs and realized that it was not their job to “serve a narcissist”, things would get moving. "The stronger co-narcissists are, the less power narcissists have."
You can read more about the topic and the thriller by Chris Oeuvray here:
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