How do I make killer meatballs

Fat like a sneaker / good tips: Get a meatball, coke, and cigarette!

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A new year is here, and according to old tradition - after we have eaten up at Christmas / Winter Festival / Hanukkah / Kwanzaa - now is the perfect time to improve our lives and make a new beginning. And because I'm a man of tradition, here are a few suggestions:

Start to relax.

As I've mentioned several times in this column, stress is the number one killer; not cigarettes and not fat. Like it or not, the biggest killers out there are the iPhone, Samsung, Facebook, and Twitter. Yes. People used to work their eight hours a day, but now they work around the clock: checking emails, reading a trillion notifications, tweeting, and spending most of the day worrying about how many they have Likes close. When we were kids it was completely different. If our parents had asked us every hour or minute if we liked them, we would have run out of the house in horror and looked for a psychiatrist to protect us from them.

Tuvia Tenenbom

is a Jewish-American writer. He was born in Israel in 1957 and lives in New York. He writes the column for ZEIT ONLINE Fat like a sneaker. In 2012 he published the book Alone under Germans. His new book is in November 2014 Alone among Jews published.

Start eating well.

No no no! Don't listen to these new diet experts trying to convince you not to eat meat or milk anymore, but to eat leaves and grass. Let them stand by the horses and the sheep and eat leaves and grass, not you. Eating poorly increases the pressures in life, and it creates stress and drowns you before you even get your next email. What is good food? Meatballs, for example. Meatballs are the greatest gift Germany has ever given mankind. McDonald's is American and bad. No, not because Americans are capitalists - so are the Germans - but because Americans build bad cars and make bad food. In Hell, a trusted theologian once told me, evil people spend eternity driving American cars and eating Big Macs. Creepy!

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Start drinking the goodies.

No no no! Don't even dream of spending your annual salary on the newest "natural" drink. First, everything is natural. Yes! What else should the other drinks be? Supernatural? Wake up! And, realistically, "natural" does not mean healthy. After all, snake venom is natural too. In short: start buying the "unhealthy" drinks. They taste amazingly good! For example, I drink Diet Coke, Pepsi Max or Coke Zero. They are great for my health! If you think nationalistically, like these guys who are currently marching through Dresden, drink fritz-kola or afri-cola. They taste terrible, are quite expensive, but they are "made by us" - and if that makes you happy, then for heaven's sake buy fritz.

Leave your smartphone and tablet at home every other day.

That doesn't need any explanation. If you do not understand this on your own, you are hopeless and will die many years before the heaviest smokers.

Move.

Anytime, anywhere, whenever and wherever you like. To not be shy. Pick a destination and walk there, on your own two feet - no car, no train, no bike. Your destination can be a church, a brothel, an Irish pub; no matter what. Just go ahead. You can also join a demonstration if you like - there are plenty of those right now. It doesn't matter what they're demonstrating for, just go there. Join the running crowd. If you hate Muslims, go with the right. If you don't like Jews, go with the left. If you have a problem with both Muslims and Jews, go on both demos and your body will thank you because then you will run twice the distance.