Why do I hate watchers






Dramolet in 5 acts

Starring (In purely random order):

Guest Stars:

Hubias The Blessed Theoretical Savior
Rasti as Terrorasti
Bringfried Stecklum as The Occult Master of the Committee


Book: Almost everybody
Set: Leo, Randi, Mfeldt
Lighting & Engineering: Katharina & Leo
Deadlines: Katharina & Leo
Special Effects: R. Mucha
Music: M. Osterloh
Gazer: What's a gawker?
Director: Almost Nobody ...

Soundtrack available on CD, DAT and hard disk
from MOTOR SCOOTER MR 25-8762-41


Teller: In order to bring the difficult life of the observer closer to the theoretician and the astrophysicist in the laboratory, we want to show on the boards that mean the world what stony fields the observer has to work until the flowers of success bloom ...
Before the observation, the program committee put the proposal and the deadline.

Act 1

Scene 1 - tea party

Chat casually seated ALL Observer over God and the world. Leo tells about the Kontrolletis.

Teller:The observers are once again having tea and chatting about this and that. One particularly likes to tell stories of recent adventures. The phone rings as usual ...

Ralf:Are you going

Markus:Nope, you go, it's for you anyway!

Ralf:But it's definitely the boss, you'd better go!

Markus goes to the phone, picks it up, gets serious

Markus:Yes boss .--- Of course boss .--- 5 proposals, boss. Will be done, boss .--- Tomorrow is the deadline? No problem, boss .--- Yes, of course I'll come. --- Yes, boss, I will also refer the others to the seminar.

Hang up and return.

Ralf:And? What did he want??

Markus:Heard you. 5 proposals by tomorrow morning!

2nd scene - write proposals

The two observers sit behind computers and laboriously write the proposals. The deadline is still a long way off.

Teller:In joyful anticipation of the approaching deadline, our two observers sit in front of the screens until late at night and devote themselves to writing proposals. The mood is extremely creative.

Ralf:I can't think of anything.

Markus:Me neither.


Ralf:But we have to write something. How about circumstellar dust disks?

Markus:Oh, we've already had that 100 times. That doesn't bring us to our well-deserved vacation.

Ralf:You're right. How about T Tauri stars?

Markus:Every fool does it. I propose: "Observe Klingon activity on the edge of the neutral zone."

Ralf:Hmm Don't you think that's a little daring?

Markus:Oh nonsense, that’s okay. Would be something completely new if someone reads this seriously.

Ralf:Do they even have any instruments for that?

Markus:It doesn't matter - something will be there.

The deadline is getting closer. Some disasters occur.

  • Cleaning lady comes. Observers have to get on the table and keep writing.
  • Cleaning lady crashes the computer. (literal crash)
  • Talk request: Do you play with "Bunte Länder"?
  • Ralf catches you for a moment Tscheit. I just chatted to the boss once.

Markus:How long does one have to integrate the one on Klingons like that? So 3σ Klingons.

Ralf:Hmm - do you take the 2- or 3-week surf course?

Markus:Actually, I wanted to climb the Aconcagua beforehand.

Ralf:Okay, well, 10 minutes should be enough to integrate.

Meanwhile the door flies open and Hubi comes in.

Teller:Theorists are also known for their playful spirit of ideas. When the need is greatest, the Lord sends one of the most brilliant representatives of this species over to potentiate the creativity of our two observers.

Hubi:Hi Guys. Are you coming to the theater cafe?

Ralf:No, it doesn't work, we still have to write our vacation requests.

Markus:Unfortunately, today is not our day. Don't you have a great idea what to watch?

Hubi: (cheerfully) Oh joooo, if you ask that ... I already have an idea.

Ralf:Tell me.

Hubi:How about, 'Do Eddies live in dust discs? ''

THE OFFICE CHEF:I AM THE BOSS, YOUR BOSS. You shouldn't have any other research topics besides mine

The deadline is getting closer.

Ralf:What is an Eddie please?

Hubi:So an Eddie .....

Markus: (Interrupting Hubi) Does not matter. The main thing is that it makes an impression. Thanks Hubi.

Hubi:Bidde schööön. Take care, guys.

Ralf + Markus:Goodbye Hubi.

The deadline is getting closer. The watchers are busy. A mailbox appears that does not accept anything at first. The observers try to throw the pile of proposals through. The box emits various error messages. At the last moment, the proposals fail.

Ralf:2 more minutes !!!

Mail delivery failed - user unknown
Mailer daemon warning
Returned Mail: host unreachable
Fax error

and from!

Act 2

Scene 1 - Witches' Sabbath

A pack of weird-looking figures, zombies or something like that, crouch around a pile of paper. From time to time one of the creatures jumps towards the pile and grabs seven copies of a paper in order to retreat back to its place with the prey. Mostly it stares stupidly at the writing for a while, writhes and then breaks out into hellish laughter. The whole thing has something like hyenas at supper.

Teller:In order to be able to optimally diversify scientific progress, a program committee has to make a certain selection from the multitude of highly qualified requests for observation. For this reason, the top-class astrophysicists of this (and only this) earth meet twice a year at the Waikiki - Grand - Hotel (Honolulu) to decide the fate of the applications of our heroes. The program committee has just scheduled its meeting.

1. Committee member:Shark, George! Nice to see you again.

2nd committee member:Hello, did you hear how Borussia played?

Chairman:Ahem! I have an application from Henning et. al.


6. Committee member:Henning - Henning - he rejected my last application.

3. Committee member:I also have one more thing: Henning et al, observation of Klingon activities on the edge of the neutral zone


4. Committee member:Didn't they freeze our telescope last year?

1. Committee member:My colleagues, let's move on to the next application: Karlow et al., Proportion of binary star systems in galaxies at z = 6 ????


2nd committee member:Here's something nice: P.I. Rastapopoulos, search for oil on Jupiter's moon.


Chairman: Or here: Zinnecker: Proto-Binaries: Simultaneous observation of Siberia, Hawaii, Australia, Chile, Africa and Spain.

3. Committee member:What about just one observer?


5. Committee member:Why, is Zinnecker? He can do it.

Chairman: All right, also rejected.

3. Committee member:One of them applied for a lunar cover.

Chairman: They are approved - 3 weeks!

2nd committee member:Folks, my flight is in an hour.

6. Committee member:Damn it, before that I wanted to buy a present for my lover.

Chairman: But there are still 20 proposals to be rejected!?!

ALL:The urgent procedure !!

With wild giggles and roars, the proposals are thrown back on the pile and torn up. A funny ring around the shredded paper sets in.

ALL: The committee just mentioned briefly: Your time has been rejected!
The committee, he's sorry: Zero minutes to submit an application!
The committee tells you: Seldom has it laughed like this!
The committee will meet again soon: Perhaps you will then find some time!

All committee members except 3, 4 and the chairman withdraw.

Teller:But two proposals escape annihilation, and the rules for assigning observation time are tough ...

4. Committee member:Here, the two are not broken ( pulls two papers out of the snippets). Shit, now someone is touching our beautiful expensive telescope with their dirty paws!

3. Committee member:We have to approve it now. Let's see what do we have here: "Do Eddies live in dust discs?"

Chairman:You’re stupid. But good: he should have one night.

4. Committee member:And here: "Klingon activities along the neutral zone".

Chairman:Sounds very important in terms of science policy - could become a focus.

3. Committee member:What do they want only 10 minutes?!?!

Chairman:Nonsense, they must have miscalculated. They get 9 1/2 weeks.


3rd act

Scene 1 - The good news

Again the eternal tea round with the reports of the last adventures

Teller:After the referees have made their decisions in a neutral and scientifically sound manner, the bureaucracy takes its course. The observers pursue their favorite pastime: drinking tea.

Leo:Have you ever heard? Henning's request to observe "Dust in Star-Forming Areas" has been rejected.

Ralf:Have you heard of our proposals?

Markus:No, the meeting was good. The letters should come soon.

Angela appears and brings a letter to each of the observers

Markus:Hey i have time WHAT! 9 1/2 weeks at 6 cm - Botropp for Klingon observation. They don't all have them! I only wanted 10 minutes !!

Ralf:Direct hit, I have time too. One night at the 30 m - next - generation telescope.

Markus:And from when?


Markus:Me too from tomorrow.

Ralf + Markus:Off to the travel agency!

All observers rush off. Ralf and Markus get their sports equipment and rush to the travel agency.

Teller:Thanks to great experience, all observers know what to do next. You are eagerly awaited by the ladies of the travel agency ESO Tours.

Terrorrasti stands in the corner and cleans his terrorator.

Lady in the travel agency:Oh my god, the dusters again.
Have a wonderful day, ladies and gentlemen. Which sports trip should it be this time?

Markus:We have to go to Chile.

Ralf:But I want to go to Sydney first

Markus:I want to fly over Honolulu.

Ralf:I want an open jaw.

Markus:I hate flying. I want to take the ship.

Ralf:I want vegetarian food.

Markus:I want to sit in the aisle.

Lady in the travel agency:One after another. When should it start?

Ralf:We have to be there in the morning.

Lady in the travel agency:No problem, I have something else: Never-come-back airlines from Schöngleina via Großwudegge and Newfoundland and the Wiliam Herschel Islands. Should I book it like that?

Ralf + Markus:YES!

Lady in the travel agency:OK will be done. I'm sending the tickets to dust.

Observer off. - Terrorasti goes to the counter and puts the terrorator on the table.

Lady in the travel agency:What can I do for you?

Terrorasti:I would like to have the same flight as the two in front of me.

Lady in the travel agency:Which name, please?


4th act: on the mountain

Teller:After the comfort flight, which was well survived despite the Terrorasti, the observers reached La Silla in a good mood and full of anticipation. All preparations for the observation night have already been made there.

Observers appear ragged and with broken luggage. Markus finds a telescope kit. Ralf's computer is down.

Markus:Well fine. Build your own telescope! In which box is the dome?

Ralf:Great new calculator. All you have to do is turn it on. Where is the switch?

Markus rummages in the shoe box. Ralf rummages around on the computer wall.

Teller:Of course, there are still some final preparations to be made.

Ralf:AH, the switch is ready to go.

The computer produces error messages non-stop.

Teller:With small telescopes, assembling them is part of the routine before starting observation. Small obstacles such as a missing telescopic tube or the equipment with completely wrong detectors are easily overcome by a trained talent for improvisation.

Markus rolls a paper telescope

Teller:Thanks to the generous equipment of the ESO with a night assistant for 6 telescopes, the commissioning of the 30m NGT does not cause any difficulties.

Ralf:Help, where is the sysop!

Teller:Because of the tough schooling at Jüwei, computer problems only cause difficulties for a short time. So our heroes can start their excellently prepared observations shortly before sunrise.

Markus calls Ralf.

Markus: to observer 2 Tell me, do you have something like a source list with you?

Ralf:Oh crap! I didn't think of it at all.

Markus:Anyway, I'll take the Guide Star Catalog from here. Klingons are everywhere.

Ralf:I believe Eddies too. So it's not a problem. I just stick to it.

Markus:Good as well.

Both work on their equipment. Markus points his paper telescope upwards. A cloud blocks his field of vision. He curses. Point his telescope somewhere else. Cloud follows. etc.

Teller: While there is a fight at 6 cm with a natural phenomenon called cloud, which never occurs in La Silla, the NGT works perfectly.

The warnings pour out from the computer wall with beeping just like this:

  • Sun alarm
  • Frozen dome
  • Wind alarm
  • Ice layer on main mirror too thick
  • Cannot observe below the horizon
  • Red alert

Teller:Astronomers are always open to colleagues who want to observe rarely occurring phenomena.

The cloud releases the little telescope. Enter Stecklum.

B. Stecklum:Hello, can I watch a moon cover here for a moment?

Markus: resigned Sure, go ahead, nothing works here anyway !!

Moon is coming is covered. Everything's ok until Stecklum leaves. Then the cloud comes again.

B. Stecklum: upon departure Crap, was the wrong instrument.

B. Stecklum:coming back Has anyone seen my photometer?

Ralf:Sure, I'm watching with that.

B. Stecklum:Nice - can I briefly observe a lunar cover here?

Ralf:You can try

The error messages fall silent. Moon comes and is covered. Stecklum leaves satisfied. Leo comes to Markus

Leo:Is there a working cocoa machine here? I have to wash away the taste of pineapple ice cream.

Markus:Nah, just a microwave. You have to be careful, it is prone to explosions ...

Leo off. --- A telescopic dome explodes in the background.

Ralf calls Markus in the dome.

Markus:Yes, here 6cm Bottrop?

Ralf:Hey, everything goes wrong here anyway. Don't we want to go play pool?

Markus:Great idea


Ralf:Nah, wait a minute, I think something's going to happen now.

Light off. Noise. Lightning.

Ralf + Markus:Juchu, I have a 3σ signal

Teller:Weather lights announce a thunderstorm. The sun has risen behind clouds. Time to close the telescopic dome. Our two observers are overjoyed because they were able to harvest the fruits of their hard work in the form of 3σ signals. You've earned yourself a longer sleep regimen, but no, science is making bigger sacrifices. Scientific enthusiasm and the need to publish quickly make them move immediately to data reduction. We can now find her at work in the computer room.

Both observers sit at the table with wine bottles, 2 dat-tapes, 2 identical printouts (wild point cloud).

Markus:So. What do we start with?

Ralf:With the data reduction, of course.

A tape disappears in the trash.

Ralf:Do you see. Already 50% reduced.

Markus:Great. I like the method - a pisco on it. And how does it go on?

Both toast each other with pisco bottles.

Ralf:Clean is always a good idea when you can't see anything yet.

Ralf crumples the papers and throws them into a bucket.Take a mop and stomp around in it.

Markus: Pour detergent into it. Make the invisible visible with LUCY - MEGA - CLEAN.

Ralf: takes the crumpled paper out of the bucket and smooths it on the table. That looks pretty noisy. I think we have to develop that first.

Markus:That's not smooth enough yet. I have an idea. get an iron. Here: the new flat-field tool sponsored by ESO. You've never seen Klingons this flat before. Takes an iron and rushes around on the scrap of paper ...

Ralf:But it still looks poor. There is such a new routine now. "Add Data Point"

takes a thick felt pen and draws something to go with it

Ralf:I think we're done. Really great data.

You show your data: Ralf: Stick figure on disk. Is Eddie over it. Markus: picture by Worf.


Down. Lights off.

Teller:The pressure to publish is enormous. Then things take their course. The very next day, the exciting data will be presented to the world public in a renowned specialist journal.

Leo walks through the corridor wearing a newsboy hat and tries to sell the Astro Week with the headline: "Henning et al: The secret of stardust".

5th act

Teller:After weeks of hard work, full of hardship, our two observers finally arrive at the actual destination of their journey.

2 deck chairs, palm trees, beach mats, sunglasses, sports equipment, a sombrero man with a guitar in the background and champagne glasses create a holiday mood.

Markus:Sun, sea, palm trees ... aaachja, that's a life ... almost as beautiful as at home in Schillergäßchen.

Ralf:I think I'll never go back. Do you think Henning will take it?

Markus:Don't worry about that. Look, over there, on the surfboard, isn't that the anchor?

Ralf:Indeed! And there, under the palm trees, with the dumbbells, isn't that Leo? Hai Leo, how are you?

Leo:Hello! By the way, Alf is sitting over there chatting with Katharina.

Randolf:In passing Hello guys, I brought you something to drink.

B. Stecklum:With the moon on the hookHello, is there anything here to cover the moon?

Hubi:With Terrorasti in the choirHello, was your conference so great too?

Ralf:Hey, almost everyone is there! Then the vacation can start now!

Markus:Dreamy Best of all, we're all here, and the boss is 10,000 miles away!

Silence. Guitar music slowly falls silent. The guitar man lifts his head and turns out to be Thomas Henning.

Boss, no longer off-screen:This is the highest commandment: YOU SHOULD NOT TAKE A HOLIDAY WITHOUT YOUR BOSS!

End, end, end!

HTML adaptation of
Markus Feldt
Mon Sep 23 11:08:16 MET DST 1996