How do you deal with rude waiters

Dublanica: Smack the waiter to get noticed - a good way to get over-fried with the pepper mill.

sueddeutsche.de: If you are ignored for 20 minutes, you have to resort to such means.

Dublanica: If a waiter ignores you, it is only because he wants to serve guests in turn. How would you feel if every colleague in the editorial office who needs something from you tugs at your dress?

sueddeutsche.de: They are really strict - what else is forbidden?

Dublanica: Chatting on the cell phone while the waiter recommends something or takes the order - that's degrading. Also: let go of food that has been half consumed - if something is wrong, you should say so immediately. Also unacceptable: being rude. The statement "Even a monkey can do this better than you!" is downright hurtful. A complaint can also be worded politely.

sueddeutsche.de: You should go to a Bavarian inn, politeness is a foreign word - for the wait staff. But the best part is: people love it. Anything else on your list?

Dublanica: Think up unusual special requests that are not on the menu. With something like that you can throw a kitchen completely out of step. Besides - just think of a vegetarian platter in a steakhouse - disappointment is inevitable.

sueddeutsche.de: Speaking of special requests: salad without dressing, skinless chicken - does that sound familiar to you? Why can women actually never order what's on the menu?

Dublanica: Because every woman seems to be on a diet. Also, some people, not just women, simply have no relation to reality.

sueddeutsche.de: What do you mean?

Dublanica: I once had a guest who asked me if our meat was made from "happy cows" - he really wanted to know if they had a happy life before they got a bolt in their brains. Are we so sick that we think happiness is a flavor enhancer?

sueddeutsche.de: Isn't it less a question of taste than the need to eat with a clear conscience?

Dublanica: In this case it is better to become a vegetarian straight away. Most people have no clue how their food came out on the table. Surely it would be nice if all the chickens and cattle got organic feed and could run around freely. But that is a very expensive business. The only ones who eat this kind of thing are the wealthy who can afford the stuff from the organic supermarket. The rest don't care where the meat comes from. There are so many people who are hungry and I get really pissed off when people go crazy about "happy cows" instead of worrying about "happy people".

sueddeutsche.de: Do you actually hate your guests?

Dublanica: With Hannibal-Lector-like passion. I've even toyed with the idea of ​​slicing a few of them and making pâté. However, since I'm afraid of going to jail, I've got a grip on myself.

sueddeutsche.de: Have you ever secretly spat into the food of an unpleasant guest? Or otherwise exercised vengeance?

Dublanica: I NEVER spit in or otherwise adulterated food. This is for beginners. I tinkered with people's heads every now and then. My favorite move was explaining to stupid guests that their credit card wasn't accepted even though I hadn't even swiped it through the card reader. I can assure you, there is no better way than to mortally embarrass someone in front of their friends.

sueddeutsche.de: Why did you hold out in this profession for so long?

Dublanica: When my brother got me this job, I was 31 and thought it was just temporary. It turned into nine years because I had no idea what to do with my life. Then I started writing this blog, and that's how the waiter gradually turned into a writer. I guess you could say that writing about my life as a waiter helped me endure my life as a waiter. Not lacking a certain irony, is it?